…we take every thought captive and make it obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 (GNT)
For a majority of my life, my self-talk has been horrific. My own internal commentary was much worse than what anyone could have ever dreamed of saying to me. Granted some of my derogatory thoughts were formed from the thoughtless, hurtful words of others, but I embraced their words making them my mantra.
I was my own worst bully.
I constantly beat myself up mentally, emotionally, and yes, even physically. What began as my lame attempt at humorous self-deprecating quips grew into flat out bullying of myself on all three levels. My thoughts and words shaped the person I became. The meaner my self-talk, the lower my self-esteem and self-worth fell. By the time I was about to turn twenty, I viewed myself as pitiful excuse for a human being.
That had become my truth. Thanks to my constant self-bullying.
I used my own thoughts and words as weapons against myself. Phrases such as:
You are not pretty enough
You are not good enough
You will never amount to anything in this life
You stink at relationships
You are so stupid
You are lazy
You are fat
You are ugly
You are unloveable
When you hear those thoughts on a constant non-ending loop, you begin to believe them. They become who think you are…a loser. That mental and emotional self-bullying led me to a life of addictions and eating disorders. So not only was I mentally and emotionally injuring myself, I was also physically hurting myself.
I was my own worst bully.
Thankfully, Jesus knew exactly how to deal with that bully, named Kirsten. He loved me. He showed me that no matter how damaged I thought I was He could love me in the midst of that damage. He loved me through people He placed in my life. He loved me through the inner healing I received at the Glennon House. He loved me on the good days and bad days. And most importantly, He showed me how to love myself – with His kind of love!
Learning to love myself has been a process. It hasn’t happened over night. I still have brief moments where that unhealthy inner bully tries to rear its ugly head. Those are the times that I replace my words with Jesus’ words, I ask my friends to pray for me, or I get prayer at the Glennon House. Jesus doesn’t want me to be a self-bully, He wants my words and actions to build myself up so that I see myself through His eyes as His beloved daughter.
If you are your own worst bully, I encourage you to come to the Glennon House for a time of individual prayer with one of our trained Prayer Ministers. Stop beating yourself up all the time. Instead come receive prayer so that you can be healed by Jesus’ love and learn to love yourself like He loves you.